Game Turned Reality?

Posted on May 10, 2007

Recently, a couple of days ago, I was chatting to my friend on MSN, a gaming friend of mine who I met playing Ragnarok Online. And he was feeling down and depressed. So I kinda had to talk to him and make him feel better.

I’m not gonna tell you who he is, and if you are the one I’m talking about and reading this, then DO know that I care and you can come to me anytime. Just don’t keep it bottled up…however, I just needed to put this all here and reemphasize on the points.

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Him : Hey you. Long time no talk

Me : Hye

Him : I’m depressed. Muchly

Me : !!! How come o.o

Him : Have you noticed that no one in JO takes me seriously anymore?

Me : Mmm?

Him : I have 3 people posted on my App. No one listens when I offer help. People override what I say. And all of my ideas are trashed. I just feel like all my effort has been wasted.

Me : Honey, people do take you seriously.

Him : Where?

Me : It’s just that people have rights to their own opinions too.

Him : I mean, just show me, I want to believe that.

Me : So they question your words.

Him : But it’s not that they don’t like my ideas, it’s that they disregard them.

Me : And MOST of the server is after the GM spot.

Him : Trash them and most of all ignore them!

Me : And we haven’t seen you in a long time D:

Him : Long time!?

Me : In game that is.

Him : I’ve Been Spending All My Spare Time Trying To Fix My Damn Computer! I CANT play! And NO ONE CARES. No one offers help, no one tried to send me anything.

Me : I’m NOT doubting you or anything D: and I’m not dissing you. I’m just trying to make sense of your doubts into words. And also, like I said, many of the people don’t know you.

Him : But that’s just it. Exactly, no one knows me after a year of working.

Me : Most people are new here.

Him : Not everyone. K* doesn’t even know my name.

Me : :x K* is bombarded everyday of his GM career, it’s hard to remember everyone.

Him : Yeah, everyone has an excuse. You know what, never mind. I just need a break. I can’t be around people like this. People who I spent my time on. People who I put my trust and faith in. The same people who have now completely destroyed everything I worked so hard at Jynx for.

Me : Are you sure that is what’s making you angry or the fact that you’re not respected anymore?

Him : Both! I didn’t DO anything. I actually did a lot, that at least I thought was somewhat worthwhile. And tell me if I’m wrong. But I thought that someone actually thought I was ok. I think I must’ve been wrong though.

Me : Honey, you’re not wrong to think this and they’re not wrong to think theirs too. It’s like I said, everyone has their own way of thinking. Be it good or bad. And I’m not saying yours is bad. I’m saying that you’re going about it the wrong way. Instead of getting angry at people not taking you seriously or knowing you, try to be patient and re-friend again.

Him : But when have I gotten angry? I took anger management classes. I take medicine everyday. I haven’t gotten upset since the eAthena issue.

Me : You don’t need anger management or meds, you just gotta think both ways. And you are angry now. And I know that. I have been going an angry phase just last week especially what with R* and D* and all. But things will WORK OUT!! I KNOW it. Know why? Cause I KNOW you can!

Him : Just tell me. What can I do? Spend my next 6 months obsesseing with Jynx as I have for the last year? I just…Jess I don’t know what’s happened. I tried so hard. I really did. I took classes. I contributed. I…*sighs*

Me : You must remember, this is a game, you can’t let it take over your life. Just enjoy it and even if you’re not a GM, you can still enjoy it no matter what.

Him : Yea, you’re right. I can’t can I?

Me : Life is short, we have to take things one step at a time, and that takes time so we just have to enjoy it…

Him : That sounds great. So know what? I’m done trying. No more donating. No more trying to do something right. Look Jess, just listen for a moment. So you understand my side of this whole thing. I live in Japan where everyone is perfect. My mother hates me because I’m not like her. I don’t get straight A’s only B’s and C’s. My adopted sisters loathe me for being born not adopted and my father is about to divorce my stepmother. Along with her is my half brother. My life is seriously fucked up, excuse the language, and Jynx right now is my hook. It is where I can be calm, where I can have a voice and where I thought I was actually someone so I put everything I can into it. I just…it’s everything to me.

Me : Life is fucked up. NOTHING is perfect!! YOUR life isn’t and MINE isn’t as well. That’s WHY we escape reality into the virtual. Look at everyone in the world. They believe in virtual reality and 80% of them have problems in the real world. But it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!! You’re YOU and they’re THEM!

Him : And for the next two years I am theirs.

Me : I know you’re FRUSTRATED about ALL of this cause I am too. Believe me, I feel FRUSTRATED about every single thing in my life. But I don’t do anything about it cause I know that I am what I am and most of the stuffs I think is my fault, it’s actually not mine. It’s just that I have been placing it all on me cause I WANT to think it’s MY fault and shit. But it’s NOT and that’s how YOU are.

Him : But how can you just let it go? How can you even sleep, let alone eat knowing that you might be able to help. That’s how I feel. THAT is who I am. I live my life full of guilt. And for better or worse. That’s me.

Me : I help by being in the sidelines even if I can’t get any spotlight. Even doing something small is FINE with me. I don’t need people to say “you’ve done good” cause you shouldn’t live for OTHERS. You should live for YOURSELF.

Him : But I can’t. Maybe I can, but I need help. I do things for others because when I do, I make others happy.

Me : Whatever good deed you do, at least you know you did something. Other people knowing you did good would still blame you for the small bad you did.

Him : I bring joy, excitement, or even just relief to people. But exactly! I do good, and it seems to go unnoticed. I don’t need thank you, I don’t need any gratitude, but I do need to know what I’m doing is worth it, that I’m not hurting anyone, and that what I’m doing actually affects someone positively, and if what I’m doing is unwanted, then it’s probably time to go, at long last.

Me : I know you TRY to do things to please and make people happy. I know that and it’s a good thing and I appreciate you doing that. But I know mine just isn’t enough so I’m just trying to be here for you like I always have but please, don’t make this take over your whole being…

Him : I guess I just need to give up. I just, I read what you write and my more reasonable side tells me you’re right no matter how much I hate it.

Me : It’s saddening when YOU’RE blaming yourself and giving up. I tend to cry when people become like that especially people I know. I know you very well, and it’s heart wrenching. I just want you to know that life isn’t just about Jynx. I used to want to be like you now, a Jynx loyaler but I can’t be that anymore. Not when it eats up my whole life. I want to live for me. I want to go out and be a real person. not a virtual being. At least I’ll be able to help people who have problems in the real world, not in a game where people escape to be a person without problems.

Him : But Jess, I can’t go out. I’m not allowed to go places. The most freedom I have is here, it’s not just my escape, it’s my life.

Me : Maybe not now, but in a few years time, you can.

Him : As depressing as it is, Jynx is my home.

Me : Tell me, as a school counselor, aren’t you ALREADY helping?

Him : For the next few years it really is going to be. Yeah, helping the middle school girls sort out problems with boys and vice versa.

Me : Well, take it as experience, build up your resume, be someone who can help those with serious problems in the future. What happens in real life doesn’t happen in game, not really. In real life, people DO die, people DO beat each other up and stuff. Not like in game where people can be alive again no matter how many times they have died.

Him : Don’t you think I know that?

Me : I know you do, I just thought you needed to be reminded is all.

Him : How’s my cousin’s arrest? That good nuff? Look Jess, I really appreciate where you’re coming from and you’re completely right. I’m done with helping JO for now. Sorry, I’m a bit bitter (talking to T*, and he’s attempting to be funny cause im pissed) but I just, I seriously wish I could just not care.

Me : Honey, nobody told you to NOT care. You can care as much as you want but just not let it affect your WHOLE entire being.

Him : How? I feel like the little girls asking me how to ignore annoying guys, but how do I do that? Like, I just do not know how.

Me : I don’t know exactly, but I have been making myself blog a lot lately, just being me, and that’s a good sort of therapy and I just kinda fell out of JO. I used to care a whole damn lot before my blog.

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Him : I can’t take advice from people I don’t know. I’m sure that right now I could be talking to some whacko psychiatrist who would prescribe drugs, dope me up and ask random Freud questions. But I went to you because I know and love you.

Me : Lol well, I’m a whacko psychologist to be you know >_> I could still tell you to drown your sorrow in drugs >_>”

Him : Well, I’m just a bit whacko anyways so it’s all good. Hah, tried that, ended up in the ER. Not so good (I don’t recommend it).

Me : What I’m saying is that, you could talk about your experience. Like your life and what you been through and how you are going to tackle it and stuff. Not everyone is perfect and people don’t like to read about perfect people to make them LESS perfect. Well, they do, but not everyone. I don’t like to read supermagazines to tell me I’m fat and ugly. I like to think of myself as me, a unique personality with my unique ways of doing stuff and my unique looks. And I’m not saying I thought of this 1 night and suddenly I’m all cured. I took years…MANY years…since I was 9. And now look, it’s been 11 years now, and I’m still not perfect. But so what?! Everything has a purpose. “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger“. Remember I’m here for you when you need me. And that I’ll always be.

Him : Kks, love you Jess, you’ve been a great help.

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Basically what I am saying is that life is like a game. But it isn’t a game where you can be resurrected from the dead and live again to conquer. But it’s a game of chance and luck and how you make of it. Once you put yourself in danger and risk your life, there’s no going back. You’ll be at a dead end with no where to go but carry on.

There are no such things like using time machines to go back in time, NO elixer of life, no healer can bring you to life when you’re already dead. Nobody laughs when people die in real life. Nobody goes around hacking other peoples lives and then when they return, laugh in their faces and say “PWNED!!“.

Life isn’t like that. Life shouldn’t be about the games you play, the thing we know is the “Stupid Box” which we named it the Computer, things that are designed to portray ourselves in simulations, things that are programmed to bring you enjoyment, things that can get you hooked and stuff. Things we call, computer games.

It’s just not worth it to throw your whole life from you just to be hooked on virtual reality and pretending that reality was just gone. It’s totally not…

Are you these kind of people? Hooked and drugged with Virtual Reality? Unable to turn back? Finding reality just so escapable?

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* : Names are not mentioned to keep the privacy of those involved.

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