Parents and MY side of the story…
Posted on July 9, 2007
Parents. The giver of life and the provider of comfort and the money you spend (during our younger years). I love my parents, I truly do. For they are the two most important people in my life. They, who gave birth to me (well, that was my mom >_>), seen me grow up, taught me how to walk, read, speak, take care of myself, but most of all, they taught me never to conform to society (though I DO conform at times…tis hard NOT to when pressure appears…) instead, to conform to the rules of safety and comfort of family and home. In short, domesticity.
It is at these times that you will find me most compliant to their inquiries/comments/authority as well as the most stubborn. My parents are always worrying about us (the kids) and are afraid that one day, we’d find ourselves jailed/robbed/raped/killed. To my distress, of all the children in the family, they seem to worry more about me. Why? That’s the question I constantly ask myself. I’m a good daughter; I look left and right and left again when I cross the road; I have nothing worth robbing; I’m fat and ugly, who in their right mind would rape me?
The answer may seem simple but there are always the other side to the story aren’t there? I’m a good daughter, however, I tend to be a quick hand at finding things not wanting to be found thus might put in trouble if that person didn’t want it found (E.G. A killer hid some killer evidence, poor curious me finds it, killers sees me take it, comes after me and kills me. The End.); I look left and right and left again when I cross the road, looking left, right and left, I might miss a speeding car coming from the right and you’re not suppose to do the looking WHILE crossing, you’re suppose to do it before and while crossing; I have nothing worth robbing other than the jade bracelet on my left wrist, my MP3 hanging from my neck and my handphone in my bag!!! I’m fat and ugly, who in their right mind would rape me? Rappers aren’t exactly what I call a psychologically healthy person in the first place!!
W ell, I’m DOOMED! After thinking that I am immune to such brutal endings and deaths, I find myself MORE vulnerable than I was in the first place D: !! So I guess, my parents seem to be right on all accounts that whatever I do will ultimately lead to me living another day or die something good or something bad. What frustrates me most about my parents would of course be about domesticity. In truth, I have never mastered the skill of cooking other than boiling water, putting the just-washed rice into the rice cooker, and cooking maggie mee; neither have I sewn or mended clothes perfectly. I more or less destroyed it, making it less wearable than it originally was >_>
They would comment on how I was lousy in these skills and would not be able to get a good man to ever think of marrying me if I never learn. Not only that, though I know I have a weight problem, oh all right, being obese, I could NEVER find them a son-in-law and that my health would deteriorate. On the health part, I agree. However, on the never marrying part, I differ. I’m only 20 at the moment, I still have at least 20 more years or so left in me (modern human life span is truly pitiful…) and as men have their expectations in what they want in a female, I have MY expectations of what I want in a man too!
What my parents didn’t know was that I DID find my perfect guy. The guy who loved me for who I am, the guy who cared about how I felt and what I had to say, the guy who was sensitive to my very whim, the guy I would gladly have had kids with, the guy who would cook and clean for me if I didn’t want to do it myself, the guy who I wanted to be domestic for, the guy who loved me more than I loved him. It is on the last point that I have regretted my decision. In our relationship, I have betrayed him more times than I can count. No. I never cheated on him. No. I did something worst than cheating on him. I left him due to my selfishness. The spark had left me a dry spell and I told him I wanted out…he left upset and shaken…I started dating another guy…and he came back…I left the other guy and went back to him willingly when he said he still wanted me…months later…the dry spell returned…and I left…again…after a month or so…I returned and we were together again…and again, as if I never learned, I left AGAIN! But this time…forever. I told him he deserved better and to find another person and he did. I should be happy for him. I am but my heart lies dead.
But what my parents don’t know won’t hurt them, right? My parents are lovely people, in fact, to me, they are the perfect couple! After 21 years of marriage, they are still in love with each other and still very in tuned with each other. However, when they aren’t looking, I see a sad look on their faces as we, the children grow up, we become more detached from our parents. I feel their loneliness and I want to comfort them and tell them “I love you and I’ll never leave you” but I can’t promise that. Sometimes there are unforeseen circumstances in life that makes it difficult to say “I’ll alway be there for you till your time comes in the far future.”
You can say that I might have a double personality. With my parents, I want to be the daughter to be there for them. To care for them and be their companions. With my siblings, I want to be their friend and sister they look up to. With my friends, I tend to be more aggressive and be more…myself…? Sometimes I feel at lost as to who I really am. Family and social obligations have been tying me down ever since I was born as most of you out there are. However, most of the times, I would think that this IS my personality just that it’s split down in two parts; instead of having equal amount on both sides, I have one on each side making it an unbalanced equation.
Perhaps one day, love will find me again; perhaps I would be able to equally part my personality equally; perhaps one day, my parents would look at me and say “We trust your judgments.“…perhaps…
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