Sinking into oblivion…
Posted on July 25, 2007
Beware : The content of this post may contain deeply depressing and deep stuffs. If you want to experience extreme hollowness and deep sympathy, then please continue on, if not, MOVE ON!!
Note : This is not a literature but common rantings of my heart…
My previous rant : Pure Unadulterated Hate
As I sit here writing this article, my body is shaking in frustration, there is an itch inside of my body that I yearn to scratch…it’s truly unbearable…my head aches in pain, the voice inside screams to be freed, the voice screams and screams and screams…
“WHY IS THE WORLD SO FUCKING UNFAIR!!! WHY AM I THE ONE TO RECEIVE THIS “GIFT”?!?!?! WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN ALL THE OTHER FUCKED-UPS OUT THERE WHO HAVE SINNED AND SINNED OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!?! WHY ME?!?!?!“
Can life be anymore unfair? Why is the Lord taking my life into his hands? Why can’t he leave it up to me when I wanted to die? Why must he take the strings of time and shorten it? WHY?!?! Have I sinned, my Lord? Have I done something in my past life to have deserved such a punishment? Or do you have a personal grudge on me that needs to be scratched?
“WHY ARE YOU CONDEMNING ME INTO THIS FATE WHERE I HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THE KNIFE AND MEETING YOU, MY MAKER!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE MINDED YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LEFT MY LIFE UP TO ME!!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE CLOSED AN EYE AND WALK AWAY?!?! WHY ARE YOU PULLING ME AWAY FROM MY LOVED ONES AND THE WORLD?! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO COLD AND CRUEL?!?!“
They say that I’m not suppose to hate you, Lord. They said that it’s me whose at fault, I who didn’t want it to begin with, I who had no inkling of what is happening to me, I who am afraid of burdening my family, I who am not Your devotee…but why did You have to condemn me for being all those? Do You not have enough devotees to kill off to be Your minions? Why me? Am I not good enough to live for at least another 70 years on this earth You had created?
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“It’s very treatable. All you have to do is go for the surgery and get rid of it”
“How much would the surgery cost me, doctor?”
“…it’ll be a lot, that is for sure, but the most important thing to do here is get you to do the surgery and be treated for chemotherapy…”
“I’ll have to think about it, doctor…”
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Did You like to see my saddened face? My downfall in life as I blindly walk through life? My emotionless eyes look around me, I see everything yet I see nothing, nor could I hear nor speak…tears are coming to me as I thought back on my short lived years…20 years, Lord. That was all You wanted to give me, wasn’t it? Was this planned from the beginning? Since the day I was born, perhaps? If You had wanted me so much, why didn’t You just take me at birth? Why now? Now when MORE people will get hurt and mourn for my leaving?
You are truly cruel, Lord. Yet people see You as THEIR savior, THEIR Lord beyond the pearly gates of heaven…yet you tear love ones apart and leave them all in desolation…
But guess what, Lord. I shall not give in to this fate that You had created for me. I shall live my last days happy, my family shall know nothing of it and be clueless of the cruel crime You have committed till the very end, cutting short their pain and leaving all the burden of mourning to me until I give out my very last breath…
But needless to say, You have my pure unadulterated hate for the rest of my pitiful life, now and forever, I shall not forgive you and will never when I see the ashen-ed faces upon my loved ones when my time grows near. Till then, I shall let them believe nothing is wrong and everything is right in the world, Amen.
And now…again today I am here talking about the oblivion that I am falling into…this time however I fear nothing would ever be right…due to anger and thoughtless words, we are all at odds with each other. I shall just rant here and if any of you are reading this, read it and live with the truth of it all!
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE BOTH OF YOU?!?!? Is this the way to be acting whenever life isn’t going the way it should be for you? You argue and then you use anger and aim it at each other? You use words that haven’t been thought out carefully with the intention to hurt each other…
Of the four of us, all of us are tired, stressed out and on the edge. The datelines are choking us and splitting us apart, the four of us that have been together since the beginning of our course here…remember that we talked about the four of us? Yea…now however, it’s beginning to look appealing to separate doesn’t it? Well, YOU’RE WRONG! I’m not pointing any fingers but believe me, this pains me as much as it hurts all of you to know that we have been verbally abusing each other before thinking on it carefully…
T, I know you think that we think that you aren’t doing anything to do your part. You are wrong to think like this…why? Think back my sad friend, think back. You have always done your part…you amongst all of us, is the one good at finding information. Wait, hear me out, without you, we would NEVER find out enough information for our tasks. Without you, we would NEVER be able to find any information WITHIN the information that you have found, don’t you see? We rely on you to tell us what theories we can use and where we can find the research or journal to back it up. Without you, we would not be creating A-grade assignments.
S, it’s apparent that you think that T isn’t doing her fair share of the work. but admit it, she IS. Just not the same way as YOU are contributing to the group. Each and everyone of of you in the group are doing your fair share but just differently. Why? Because all of you have your own abilities in doing stuff. You find that it’s hard to cope don’t you? You feel like quitting and just be released from this huge burden, don’t you? But don’t you see? We help each other out when we all need each other. T is in charge of finding the information and providing the knowledge from that information in the BEGINNING of the assignment. You on the other hand is in charge of the ENDING where you provide your abilities to the utmost care.
I know that both of you are stressing but is that a crime? No tough babes, it isn’t. Don’t start blaming each other before you have thought things through. talk to each other about it before jumping to conclusions. Nobody is guilty till the fat woman sings. And in this case, that’s me and I’m not gonna sing for this…
So relax, and chill, think of each other before you begin, think of what the other have to go through before you start piling blames…T did what she did because she is worried of the timeline as well as knowing that the lecturer was leaving soon and no way to stop her from leaving…this is true. So really, you can’t blame her for asking and asking. Think of it as her egging you on to do it faster. If she had never done that, would you say we would have ever handed it up in time?
J on the other hand, last to handle the assignment, is afraid that if we were to hand it up late, it would be her fault. She tries her best to hurry it up, however, T is asking her to hurry up but this causes J to fire up and get annoyed. But would you say it’s T’s fault for doing that? She isn’t at the base worrying with you, in fact, she isn’t capable of doing anything where she is at. The hopelessness of being far away is killing her.
Both of you AREN’T WRONG!!! So just CHILL and THINK before you TALK. Stop bottling up the frustration, just blurt it out! Conflicts begin with bottled up emotions. What would the other party know of what you’re thinking when you do not open that lips of yours and say something? They’re not a mind reader you know…
All in all…I think I am to be blamed the most as I realized I have never really did anything…Of all the four of us, I think that the three of you are capable enough to do the assignments without me…I feel like the needle poking at all of you. The big sack of potatoes that is clinging to your backs…the burden…I know it and you all know it…
It is at times like these that I wonder why I ever joined the course that we’re doing now…perhaps I should have just stayed home and blend into the couch 
What I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t blame each other, tell each other what you want to say and embrace each other’s abilities and put it to full use. I don’t expect any of you to be reading this but hey, perhaps in a few years, when I’m dead, you’ll start to wonder what I wrote before I died 
and then you’ll probably visit and eventually stumble on this not very well versed post and smile 
Just in case you don’t know, at the moment, you guys are the closest to me other than my family and I just can’t bear to see you three fighting with each other over an assignment…and to say that without you three, I would have long been 7 feet under by now…without the entertainment and laughter between the four of us, I would have been far in depression due to the stupid shit I have inside of me and would have killed myself…I hope you three know how much you mean to me to have had me written this much just so that you all would see things through…
Normally…slaves don’t get much…so be grateful 
» Filed Under Abstract, Family & Other Relationships, Gratitudes, Life Issues & Truth, Rants & Whatever, University
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3 Responses to “Sinking into oblivion…”
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Jess are you alright? Stuck in the middle of a fight between good friends isn’t easy but you have to be their pillar of support because it’s the only way they’ll get through it, to have something in common… I’ve been there myself. But what’s that in your previous rant about unadulterated hate? surgery? dying? don’t scare me…
I am sorry girl…I noe it is actually hard to stand between us…I dun wan this kind of thing happen actually…I guess i nvr think clearly b4 i said those things out…I am juz being too emotional that time…I am sorry for making u sad over this…
girl,i love u…i love u as my fren…i juz hope that i can skip the “probation period” and become the “real fren” in ur fren list…i dun wan to lose u…can u pls,take care of urself?whatever happen,we will be here for u…pls holding on…i love u,and i noe the others oso love u…take care and pls holding on…
Bell :
I have always hated to be the person in the middle, I have always been a middle person when it comes to everybody in my life. It’s hard…and acceptance is a bliss so there’s really nothing to worry about in my previous rant…
Joanne :
I hate it when people I know are doing stupid stuffs that never should have happened in the first place, hey I love you too, after all, you are all my slaves hahaha, in other words, I’ll definitely be there for all of you, just don’t make me have to knock all of you senseless the next time