Crying in the Rain…
Posted on July 26, 2007
As I stepped out of the University foyer and onto the watery path outside, I instinctively took out my tiny pink umbrella out from my bag and opened it in hopes that it would shield me from the rain…
As I walked out from under the shielded walkway, I walked slowly out towards the road leading to my home. I looked around me and see people walking hurriedly to avoid reaching home late and drenched…
As I walk slowly down the road, I thought to myself of what beautiful weather this is to sleep in…I love the rain, the whole concept of rain. However, on this nice rainy day, all I saw was gloom hanging around me.
Clutching my file tightly in front of me, I silently walked down the muddy, grainy, slippery road and pathways. Somehow, inside, I felt a sudden loneliness overcome me, the loneliness grew in size as the seconds passed…
I felt like crying, sobbing, and laughing hysterically. But I did not. The tears wouldn’t flow out and neither would the laughter. But this wasn’t the case inside…on the inside, my heart ached and stabbed me multiple times in the heart as if a knife was drilling into my already broken heart…
As I continued to walk down the gritty road and pathways, I thought of my loneliness…of why the sudden feeling that was overwhelming me. And then it came, the second voice in my head started to belt out sad, moody songs while narrating to me my life story…
As an infant, to childhood, adolescence, and the now…of relationships, friendships, hardships, and other ships…of how I’ve come so far to just break down…of how I could have broken down before from love, betrayals, hate, lies, and negativity…
In my head, I see my loved ones pulling away from me, leaving me on a deserted playground to fend for myself, looking at their retreating backs, I hear them snicker at my pitifulness…I see my beloved loves, the men in my life, of the betrayal I left them with…I see my friends, the people I confide in, the companions in my life…of the untold stories behind us all…
In my mind, the rational side is telling me to accept these people who wanted to help me many times before. And of those many times, I have rejected. Irrationally, I didn’t need their help…I have always helped myself when it comes to times where I can find no way out, I felt the need to push them away from me, the need, to be alone…
As I continue to think of these, I felt my legs buckle in front of me causing me to almost fall in the middle of the road, in the rain. However, I was able to steady myself and thought to myself that, even if I did fall, the pain would still not leave…and again, I felt myself trip due to the slippery pathway and felt the gravel poke onto the flesh of my toes…
Because of this, the tears started to flow, and flow, and flow and I couldn’t stop myself. The tears came fast and hot causing my vision to blur and I started worrying about losing my contact lenses so I tried to keep my eyes slitted so that it might stay rooted to my eye even as I cry…
As I cried, I felt that I could have died for I was blindly walking across roads to go back home…and indeed, I was almost gunned down by cars zooming past me left and right, but I was lucky all three times.
After reaching the other side of the road, I started to go back deep in thought again as I was finally safe on this side of the road. Tears still running down my face, I thought of how I have pushed many people out of my life ever since I felt the bitter taste of betrayal by my so-called friends in my childhood years, I was never the same after I made the same mistake in my adolescent years…and now, I feel my heart tearing itself as I continue to remember all the lonely times I had since young…
By now, I was sobbing as I walked up the tiny hill back to my house, I couldn’t stop myself as I felt like pulling my hair out by the roots from my head but I did not. As I sobbed, I could see people looking at me as they walk past but I didn’t care, I couldn’t stop…
At that moment, all I could think of was the people around me who I cared and or didn’t really cared about at all. It seemed that they played a role in my life, I just didn’t want them to come too near, afraid that it might make me more vulnerable…the loneliness by this time was so overwhelming that I felt like banging into a car, but I did not…
Reaching the sanctuary of my house, sobbing uncontrollably, I made a beeline for my room and locked myself inside the toilet in the room, I left the shower on and sat underneath it with my clothes still attached and cried and cried and cried…after calming down, I took a long shower and dinner and wrote here…
I have never felt so alone in my life…and being this lonely, it scares me and yet, deep inside…I feel and want to be alone…
» Filed Under Family & Other Relationships, Life Issues & Truth, Memories, Rants & Whatever
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2 Responses to “Crying in the Rain…”
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girl,u will not be lonely…juz open up ur heart and we will always be there for u…cheer up…
gal,i noe there has something happen on you…i dun noe how can i help u if u dun disclosure ur story..mayb now u think that is noy the right time to say…only wanna to let u noe,i oways ready at here for u…mayb i’m not a good listener but i wil try to become a good listener!!