Another day better spent alone…
Posted on August 14, 2007
Today is a bad day for me, I stayed up all morning to put my heart into the presentation today and that when it was finally my turn, I barely got 10 minutes for my part.
My part of the presentation was to be the last before the conclusion, wanting to try my best not to mess up in today’s presentation, I did my best to remember my part, especially after what happened yesterday, I blotched up on the last presentation and I wanted to do better so that I won’t be a disappointment to my members who tried their very best most or all the time.
But today, it seems I was the one disappointed and eventually discarded…everything was going well, or so I thought, I knew that they had more to talk about than me but an invisible hand was clutching at my heart as the time passed by with me not having even presented yet.
So I was patient, I waited. And when it did come to my turn, all my members were staring at me, silently telling me to rush the last part so that the last member can end the presentation with the conclusion…they even made a cue card you only see on television that goes “APPLAUSE” when they want their audience to fake some claps, apparently they forgot that I am blind when I am wearing contact lenses or perhaps they have genuinely forgotten it, or worse, they just wanted to just make me stumble over my lines and shut up. So I tried, I rushed like I never rushed before, and rushed and rushed…I barely got into 40% of my part before I have to skip everything towards the conclusion.
So I put on a brave smile and laughed it off when deep in my heart all I heard was, “…there goes my hope in getting a 4.0 this semester…” and I felt like crying. But I did not, I went back to my seat and smiled when others smiled, laughed when others laughed as well.
And finally, we were able to leave…and leave I did, I sprinted past my “friends” and their friends showing an outward impression that I was rushing to reach home. I hoped and I hoped that I wasn’t required to speak to anyone for if I did, I would lose all self-control.
It seems luck was not with me today, for I bumped into Kavitha at the entrance and she tried talking to me, all I did was looked away from her and plastered a smile on my face, I pity her for she thought I was angry at her for her “support” in the presentation. In truth, I was, but I wasn’t as well, silent for a moment, she asked if I was going home. I nodded a curt nod and said a steady “yea” while looking at my watch as time was moving an hour per minute and sprinted off before I burst into tears.
As I reached outside the gates of the university, I started to sob on and off, I sprinted and sobbed, stopping only when I see someone close enough to see my scrunched up face, somehow, my misery caused me to walk faster than I have ever walked before, the anger and anguish in me was fueling me to reach the sanctuary of my home.
By the time I reached the bottom of the tiny hill towards my house, I started to wear out, my energy depleted, but I forced myself to put one leg in front of another, wanting nothing more than to go home and spend the rest of my day in miserable loneliness when lo and behold, two out of three of the people I didn’t want to see at the moment, rode in the van belonging to a friend of theirs passed me by, as the driver called out my name with mirth in his voice, my anger and misery fueled itself and cause me to let out a huge sob and tears fell down the corner of my eyes again.
My legs, as if by itself, started to sprint again, the tiredness apparently gone from me, as I neared my house, I saw the van parked not far away from me, I wanted very much to go towards the van and slap the driver before going home. But restraint myself, I did. As I reached my house, my youngest brother, waiting for his school bus, looked at me with a worried look, my maid, watering the plants, glanced at me and started to say something but I just ignored them and let myself into the garden of my house, locking the gate, I felt the keys fall from my hands, as I hurriedly picked them up, my sobs became louder, so I gave a cough or two to disguise my tears and practically ran to my room.
In my room, I fell onto the top of my bed and just cried and cried and cried. My cat looked at me with a puzzled expression and a pitying look…and apparently, trying to dig out the contact lenses after you’ve cried a river of tears from your eyes, makes it harder to come out…exhausted from crying, I decided to write in here today about this. If any of you are reading this, forgo it. and what I said in the SMS, do NOT forgo that…I do not want to be responsible for any unthoughtful words that I might say or any actions that I might do…so for now, leave me alone.
Ahh, it seems, the dreams of ever going to study in Australia is nothing but a dream…why did I even bother dreaming in the first place? I know now that all that time spent on this dream was nothing but a waste of time, better left alone than try to reach it…
» Filed Under Family & Other Relationships, Life Issues & Truth, Rants & Whatever
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