Hmm let’s see now, this month was the month of hellish turds exams, had my finals and passed all of them, apparently, except for a D in Research (always hated that subject). But I’m glad that’s over with. Even had my hair cut to looking like erm…a Pomelo, or a Pomegranate, so insisted Bell. But I’ve got to say, it’s truly convenient to have short hair >_^V

About 9 days ago, my dad went off to Europe, going to Monte Carlo, Italy, Nice and so many other places while the whole family is left behind Can’t blame the poor guy really, he went there on business -sighs-. While he was there, we (the ones left behind) celebrated my brother’s 19th birthday on the 25th, this day also coincides with Joanne and Mark’s 1-month anniversary of “dating”. I can’t say that I’m enthusiastic about their being together, but hey, that isn’t my business if they get together or not, right? I’m just a bystander after all. I would love to elaborate more on this relationship, but I would refrain from doing so or risk the wrath of a woman-in-love.

So anyways, while my dad was working-enjoying life in Europe, we’ve been receiving many house calls in that 9 days from my dad’s shoe-shiners colleagues. And because Mooncake festival falls on this very month, we’ve been bombarded daily with boxes and boxes of Mooncake =x= needless to say, I absolutely can’t stand eating Mooncakes…they are somewhat thick and icky to my tastes. So what happens? The gifts have been piling itself in the kitchen, the side tables were brimming with Mooncakes, even my family is bored from eating them…however, I can’t really complain. Why not? Well, the thing is >_> these Mooncakes come in such beautiful packaging…so we, my mom, sis, and myself, had taken the responsibility of looting the boxes for ourselves and depositing the naked Mooncakes into the fridge.

So now, the fridge is packed and the side table is usable again. Imagine Chinese New Year, isn’t that the season for Cantonese oranges? You usually stack them up in the fridge no? Well, a whole box will fill up the fridge in my house. What I’m really trying to say is that, that box of oranges is equivalent to the horrifying amount of Mooncakes we got =x=|| the HORROR indeed!!

My dad actually came back today… -looks at the time- …yesterday evening. And what would you know, I have always wanted to say these at least once.

“My dad went to Europe, and all I got was these lousy shirts!”

And indeed, I got to say them today Yup, my dad came home bearing gifts…my sis got 2 baby T’s, and a spaghetti strap shirt.

Dad : “Go and try, see if it fits.” What if it doesn’t…?

-After a while…-

Sis : “Yay can wear! Thanks!”

Dad : “Nice, right?! Wear already so sexy ”

Me : “Hahahaha, you know, other people’s parents wouldn’t be saying that.”

Dad : “See, your papa so nice, buy sexy clothes for you all.” All or for Yen (sis)…?

Needless to say, I got the BIG sized shirts…well, I don’t really mind though, because of my body size, it’s truly hard for my parents to buy clothes for me when I’m not around to try it on. In fact, these clothes? They’re like pajamas to me. Not wanting to reject the clothes my dad bought for me, I accepted them, as usual. -Sigh- NEED TO GO ON EXTREME DIET SOON!!!

Other than those expensive clothes (they all cost more than 55 Euros…no, it’s not cheap, you have to convert them, meaning you have to multiply it by 5…) we all just chatted and laughed. I really missed my dad while he was in Europe, I just might have the Electra complex hahahaha Did I mention that it’s semester break now? Well it is ^^

One last thing before I go off, I’ve been searching for a part time job…weekends only though so that when semester break is over, I would still be able to work I need a job really bad why? Because lately, a few days ago actually, my comp started protesting and making really squeaky sounds as well as it sounded like it was about to have a meltdown and blow up in my face o_o!!! So yeah, “will work for a new computer!!” Anybody know of a weekend job, keep me posted yea? Keep in mind that it has to be in the Selangor region. Thanks!

Well then, that’s just about all that has been going on. And to everyone who were concerned about my own personal meltdowns here, here, here, and here. I’m not sorry for my emotional breakdown, but I AM sorry for worrying all of you. It was just a phase I was and had to go through to be able to be me again, or better yet, a better me. So, gomen nasai, miina-san…(I’m sorry everybody…)

And it’s yet another end of the month, I wish you all happy Mooncake Festival and have a good month next month. Also, the layout has been changed as well to bring in a good chi to this blog and a whole new start of October. A new month, a new series of bloggings, and a new resolution is DOING the right thing! As well as LOOSE weight!!. Night all ^^!!

Note : This is not a literature but common rantings of my heart…

My previous rant : Pure Unadulterated Hate

As I sit here writing this article, my body is shaking in frustration, there is an itch inside of my body that I yearn to scratch…it’s truly unbearable…my head aches in pain, the voice inside screams to be freed, the voice screams and screams and screams…

“WHY IS THE WORLD SO FUCKING UNFAIR!!! WHY AM I THE ONE TO RECEIVE THIS “GIFT”?!?!?! WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN ALL THE OTHER FUCKED-UPS OUT THERE WHO HAVE SINNED AND SINNED OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!?! WHY ME?!?!?!“

Can life be anymore unfair? Why is the Lord taking my life into his hands? Why can’t he leave it up to me when I wanted to die? Why must he take the strings of time and shorten it? WHY?!?! Have I sinned, my Lord? Have I done something in my past life to have deserved such a punishment? Or do you have a personal grudge on me that needs to be scratched?

“WHY ARE YOU CONDEMNING ME INTO THIS FATE WHERE I HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THE KNIFE AND MEETING YOU, MY MAKER!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE MINDED YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LEFT MY LIFE UP TO ME!!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE CLOSED AN EYE AND WALK AWAY?!?! WHY ARE YOU PULLING ME AWAY FROM MY LOVED ONES AND THE WORLD?! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO COLD AND CRUEL?!?!“

They say that I’m not suppose to hate you, Lord. They said that it’s me whose at fault, I who didn’t want it to begin with, I who had no inkling of what is happening to me, I who am afraid of burdening my family, I who am not Your devotee…but why did You have to condemn me for being all those? Do You not have enough devotees to kill off to be Your minions? Why me? Am I not good enough to live for at least another 70 years on this earth You had created?

::::::::::::::::::::

“It’s very treatable. All you have to do is go for the surgery and get rid of it”

“How much would the surgery cost me, doctor?”

“…it’ll be a lot, that is for sure, but the most important thing to do here is get you to do the surgery and be treated for chemotherapy…”

“I’ll have to think about it, doctor…”

::::::::::::::::::::

Did You like to see my saddened face? My downfall in life as I blindly walk through life? My emotionless eyes look around me, I see everything yet I see nothing, nor could I hear nor speak…tears are coming to me as I thought back on my short lived years…20 years, Lord. That was all You wanted to give me, wasn’t it? Was this planned from the beginning? Since the day I was born, perhaps? If You had wanted me so much, why didn’t You just take me at birth? Why now? Now when MORE people will get hurt and mourn for my leaving?

You are truly cruel, Lord. Yet people see You as THEIR savior, THEIR Lord beyond the pearly gates of heaven…yet you tear love ones apart and leave them all in desolation…

But guess what, Lord. I shall not give in to this fate that You had created for me. I shall live my last days happy, my family shall know nothing of it and be clueless of the cruel crime You have committed till the very end, cutting short their pain and leaving all the burden of mourning to me until I give out my very last breath…

But needless to say, You have my pure unadulterated hate for the rest of my pitiful life, now and forever, I shall not forgive you and will never when I see the ashen-ed faces upon my loved ones when my time grows near. Till then, I shall let them believe nothing is wrong and everything is right in the world, Amen.

And now…again today I am here talking about the oblivion that I am falling into…this time however I fear nothing would ever be right…due to anger and thoughtless words, we are all at odds with each other.  I shall just rant here and if any of you are reading this, read it and live with the truth of it all!

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE BOTH OF YOU?!?!? Is this the way to be acting whenever life isn’t going the way it should be for you? You argue and then you use anger and aim it at each other? You use words that haven’t been thought out carefully with the intention to hurt each other…

Of the four of us, all of us are tired, stressed out and on the edge. The datelines are choking us and splitting us apart, the four of us that have been together since the beginning of our course here…remember that we talked about the four of us? Yea…now however, it’s beginning to look appealing to separate doesn’t it? Well, YOU’RE WRONG! I’m not pointing any fingers but believe me, this pains me as much as it hurts all of you to know that we have been verbally abusing each other before thinking on it carefully…

T, I know you think that we think that you aren’t doing anything to do your part. You are wrong to think like this…why? Think back my sad friend, think back. You have always done your part…you amongst all of us, is the one good at finding information. Wait, hear me out, without you, we would NEVER find out enough information for our tasks. Without you, we would NEVER be able to find any information WITHIN the information that you have found, don’t you see? We rely on you to tell us what theories we can use and where we can find the research or journal to back it up. Without you, we would not be creating A-grade assignments.

S, it’s apparent that you think that T isn’t doing her fair share of the work. but admit it, she IS. Just not the same way as YOU are contributing to the group. Each and everyone of of you in the group are doing your fair share but just differently. Why? Because all of you have your own abilities in doing stuff. You find that it’s hard to cope don’t you? You feel like quitting and just be released from this huge burden, don’t you? But don’t you see? We help each other out when we all need each other. T is in charge of finding the information and providing the knowledge from that information in the BEGINNING of the assignment. You on the other hand is in charge of the ENDING where you provide your abilities to the utmost care.

I know that both of you are stressing but is that a crime? No tough babes, it isn’t. Don’t start blaming each other before you have thought things through. talk to each other about it before jumping to conclusions. Nobody is guilty till the fat woman sings. And in this case, that’s me and I’m not gonna sing for this…

So relax, and chill, think of each other before you begin, think of what the other have to go through before you start piling blames…T did what she did because she is worried of the timeline as well as knowing that the lecturer was leaving soon and no way to stop her from leaving…this is true. So really, you can’t blame her for asking and asking. Think of it as her egging you on to do it faster. If she had never done that, would you say we would have ever handed it up in time?

J on the other hand, last to handle the assignment, is afraid that if we were to hand it up late, it would be her fault. She tries her best to hurry it up, however, T is asking her to hurry up but this causes J to fire up and get annoyed. But would you say it’s T’s fault for doing that? She isn’t at the base worrying with you, in fact, she isn’t capable of doing anything where she is at. The hopelessness of being far away is killing her.

Both of you AREN’T WRONG!!! So just CHILL and THINK before you TALK. Stop bottling up the frustration, just blurt it out! Conflicts begin with bottled up emotions. What would the other party know of what you’re thinking when you do not open that lips of yours and say something? They’re not a mind reader you know…

All in all…I think I am to be blamed the most as I realized I have never really did anything…Of all the four of us, I think that the three of you are capable enough to do the assignments without me…I feel like the needle poking at all of you. The big sack of potatoes that is clinging to your backs…the burden…I know it and you all know it…

It is at times like these that I wonder why I ever joined the course that we’re doing now…perhaps I should have just stayed home and blend into the couch

What I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t blame each other, tell each other what you want to say and embrace each other’s abilities and put it to full use. I don’t expect any of you to be reading this but hey, perhaps in a few years, when I’m dead, you’ll start to wonder what I wrote before I died and then you’ll probably visit and eventually stumble on this not very well versed post and smile

Just in case you don’t know, at the moment, you guys are the closest to me other than my family and I just can’t bear to see you three fighting with each other over an assignment…and to say that without you three, I would have long been 7 feet under by now…without the entertainment and laughter between the four of us, I would have been far in depression due to the stupid shit I have inside of me and would have killed myself…I hope you three know how much you mean to me to have had me written this much just so that you all would see things through…

Normally…slaves don’t get much…so be grateful

I’d still be fuming mad and moody with things and people around me and on the net…yes, I have a VERY nasty temper. In other words, I have anger issues…I get angry easily. So yea, without him being PATIENT with whatever I said and do, I was able to continue blogging again.

I am ETERNALLY grateful to you [Chrix]!!!! And I can’t seem to stop portraying my gratitude to you. If ever, and I mean, EVER!!! You need anything that is WITHIN my power, I’d do it for you. And yes, I meant that too x3

Oh yea, if any of you out there fancies a game of Ragnarok Online and a private server one at that, you can go to [Chrix]’s site and check it out. And yes, I knew him from playing RO, the private server version

Thanks again, [Chrix]!!!!