What am I referring to, I wouldn’t know. But I’ve noticed that I’m thinking more maturely than I would like to think…strange isn’t it? I’ve heard people say that they’d want to be more mature but i seem to want the opposite.

Life seems much simpler as a child. But now I’m 20 and 21 isn’t that far off…I can practically feel the boulders on my shoulder pushing me into the ground. Forcing me to accept this reality. The harsh truth of life. That no one can ever stay as a child…

Weird isn’t it? As I say these words, I can feel 2008 just eagerly waiting in a corner. Planning to jump into my arms before I’m ready to accept it…

Trapped against a wall
Without any escape route to be seen
Darkness falls with yet another day passing by.

Another wasted day spent here
The soul’s becoming weaker
The fire of her heart slowly dying.

Shunned by her family and peers
Without a friendly face to aid her
She spend her days in the lonely corner.

Grasping desperately onto the edge of the cliff
She felt her fingers slipped and let go of hope
Falling deep into the never ending bottom never to be seen.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Sad to say, yes, I admit I’m lonely. Are you lonely? But under what circumstances will you be pressurized to feel the ultimate loneliness? I don’t know that either…sometimes I guess, loneliness will help one reflect upon what they have done so far in life.

Today is one of my loneliest days to date. All I can think about all day was that people don’t like me for my eccentric personality. They see me as a joke and a person to make fun of. I guess I’m not surprised that I’m thinking about these. Who hasn’t.

But surface to say, I should know better than to let it affect me at all! I’m a future psychologist and I should know better than to let my emotions rule me, says my mom to me. But aren’t I only human? Don’t I have at least some rights to act human for once? I guess not…

Well, I guess only you (the readers) and I will ever know my weakness but then again, you don’t really know me do you?

I don’t know why…but today, in the University computer lab…I suddenly burst into tears…and for no reason too! Weird isn’t it? Yeah, I thought it was weird too…

The funny thing is, I should have been bursting with happiness and joy and relief because I just finished re-transcribing the assignment’s transcripts last night until early this morning. What I meant was, I started doing it yesterday night…ALL night. Just because my assignment team wants me to pass it up yesterday afternoon. But of course, I didn’t la since I wasn’t done yet.

So yesterday, I intended to go home after class (6pm) to sleep but coincidentally, it was raining and to make it worse, I forgotten to bring my umbrella. So I called my mom to fetch me but she said she wasn’t home yet, after that I called my brother but he couldn’t fetch me as well because he was in the library down in old town :/ and my last resort, my dad, he was, not surprisingly, still at work as well. So what did I do? I walked home…alone…in the rain…drenched by the time I reached home.

When I reached home, I didn’t immediately bath but instead I went online to try and send the recording (assignment) to another team member. I had to search high and low for an uploading program that would upload the 2.4 MB recording and could be heard. After like 1 hour, I finally found it so I uploaded it and sent to my friend. With that done, I wanted SO BADLY to climb into bed. But again, I didn’t do what I wanted to do…instead, I stayed up to wait for my friend to finish her part of the transcript and send it back to me to check.

The transcript didn’t reach me until around 11.30pm and I STILL haven’t eaten or bath…and I started with the work. Chilled, bone tired, and hungry, I worked into the night and AT LAST! Finished at 6.30am today. I was SO BLOODY FUCKING HAPPY that I finished it ALL at last and went to bed still without bathing.

I know, “ewww” right? Definitely.

What was worse, on MSN, I had to read from my friend about ANOTHER friend’s emo story which I didn’t need. I broke when suddenly out of the blue, she told me that THAT friend ORDERED me to PRINT the assignment…FUCKING BITCH! I haven’t even finished and she’s ordering me about?! Who does she fucking think she is?! Just because she’s in an emotional break down because her fucking bastard of a BOYfriend (he’s not considered a MAN, his personality resembles a boy already bored with his new toy and moving on to a new toy) ignored her during his birthday party.

All I can say is “Wake the FUCKING up, GIRL!! You’re WAY better than he deserves!!! So stop being a fucking drama queen!!!”

So now, I’ve printed out the transcript, I then had that emotional break down…the thing is…it’s NOT a emotional thing. I just cried for no reason. So I had to run off and isolate myself to cry alone. Well…that’s all…I’m off now.

Why was I crying? I have no idea why, maybe you can tell me :s mungkinlah…dengan menangis, saya telahpun mengeluarkan nafsu-nafsu yang terpedam dalam did ku ini…sama jugalah dengan memblogkan emosi saya dalam blog ni hari ini.

Peace.

We were all given a chance to experience a life and a clean slate since birth. But many people choose to pollute it with selfishness, greed, crimes, and petty actions. Why I ask.

But no, I’m not going to go into that. Because there’s just too much to be said on that. What I DO want to say is, are relationships just a thing for some people to play with?

A friend just got her heart broken recently just for placing hope for a guy who resembles a kutu (tick). He preys on innocent girls, making them think he’s all great and the next moment, break their hearts.

I’m going to go on a limb here to say that he’s taken advantage of this friend of mine for less than 2 months before using a petty excuse of how “my mom force me to break up with my GF till I pull up my grades”. The next day, both of them came with a cloud above their head.

The girl, worried about their relationship.

The guy, moody because his car window broke.

Typical isn’t it? To be more worried about your car. More than the girl you supposedly love. And ironically, before he dated her, he broke up with another girl, chased my other friend, couldn’t get her and jumped at the nearest girl.

Thinking that they still have hope, she placed all her hopes into him getting better results this semester. Again, he crushed her hopes with just a few words. This time however, he broke her spirit.

He told her, it’s over and they’ll be friends…forever. And soon, he was seen playing with another girl by a guy friend.

She couldn’t understand why this has to happen and has since locked herself away in her room, isolated, devastated, heart-broken, crushed, tired, crying endlessly.

Why this has to happen, she probably knows but doesn’t want to see. But we, the bystanders DO see. He’s a jerk. He’s a scum. He’s a worm. He’s worse than a worm. He’s a virus that shouldn’t have graced the earth in the first place. I pity his mother…for I fear she will never have a long-term daughter-in-law, EVER!

If you’re reading this, know that we are worried about you and that you shouldn’t waste your feelings all on him. Come back. If you don’t snap out of it soon, I guess I’ll have to take things into my hands and slap you awake.

Take care and be prepared

Hmm let’s see now, this month was the month of hellish turds exams, had my finals and passed all of them, apparently, except for a D in Research (always hated that subject). But I’m glad that’s over with. Even had my hair cut to looking like erm…a Pomelo, or a Pomegranate, so insisted Bell. But I’ve got to say, it’s truly convenient to have short hair >_^V

About 9 days ago, my dad went off to Europe, going to Monte Carlo, Italy, Nice and so many other places while the whole family is left behind Can’t blame the poor guy really, he went there on business -sighs-. While he was there, we (the ones left behind) celebrated my brother’s 19th birthday on the 25th, this day also coincides with Joanne and Mark’s 1-month anniversary of “dating”. I can’t say that I’m enthusiastic about their being together, but hey, that isn’t my business if they get together or not, right? I’m just a bystander after all. I would love to elaborate more on this relationship, but I would refrain from doing so or risk the wrath of a woman-in-love.

So anyways, while my dad was working-enjoying life in Europe, we’ve been receiving many house calls in that 9 days from my dad’s shoe-shiners colleagues. And because Mooncake festival falls on this very month, we’ve been bombarded daily with boxes and boxes of Mooncake =x= needless to say, I absolutely can’t stand eating Mooncakes…they are somewhat thick and icky to my tastes. So what happens? The gifts have been piling itself in the kitchen, the side tables were brimming with Mooncakes, even my family is bored from eating them…however, I can’t really complain. Why not? Well, the thing is >_> these Mooncakes come in such beautiful packaging…so we, my mom, sis, and myself, had taken the responsibility of looting the boxes for ourselves and depositing the naked Mooncakes into the fridge.

So now, the fridge is packed and the side table is usable again. Imagine Chinese New Year, isn’t that the season for Cantonese oranges? You usually stack them up in the fridge no? Well, a whole box will fill up the fridge in my house. What I’m really trying to say is that, that box of oranges is equivalent to the horrifying amount of Mooncakes we got =x=|| the HORROR indeed!!

My dad actually came back today… -looks at the time- …yesterday evening. And what would you know, I have always wanted to say these at least once.

“My dad went to Europe, and all I got was these lousy shirts!”

And indeed, I got to say them today Yup, my dad came home bearing gifts…my sis got 2 baby T’s, and a spaghetti strap shirt.

Dad : “Go and try, see if it fits.” What if it doesn’t…?

-After a while…-

Sis : “Yay can wear! Thanks!”

Dad : “Nice, right?! Wear already so sexy ”

Me : “Hahahaha, you know, other people’s parents wouldn’t be saying that.”

Dad : “See, your papa so nice, buy sexy clothes for you all.” All or for Yen (sis)…?

Needless to say, I got the BIG sized shirts…well, I don’t really mind though, because of my body size, it’s truly hard for my parents to buy clothes for me when I’m not around to try it on. In fact, these clothes? They’re like pajamas to me. Not wanting to reject the clothes my dad bought for me, I accepted them, as usual. -Sigh- NEED TO GO ON EXTREME DIET SOON!!!

Other than those expensive clothes (they all cost more than 55 Euros…no, it’s not cheap, you have to convert them, meaning you have to multiply it by 5…) we all just chatted and laughed. I really missed my dad while he was in Europe, I just might have the Electra complex hahahaha Did I mention that it’s semester break now? Well it is ^^

One last thing before I go off, I’ve been searching for a part time job…weekends only though so that when semester break is over, I would still be able to work I need a job really bad why? Because lately, a few days ago actually, my comp started protesting and making really squeaky sounds as well as it sounded like it was about to have a meltdown and blow up in my face o_o!!! So yeah, “will work for a new computer!!” Anybody know of a weekend job, keep me posted yea? Keep in mind that it has to be in the Selangor region. Thanks!

Well then, that’s just about all that has been going on. And to everyone who were concerned about my own personal meltdowns here, here, here, and here. I’m not sorry for my emotional breakdown, but I AM sorry for worrying all of you. It was just a phase I was and had to go through to be able to be me again, or better yet, a better me. So, gomen nasai, miina-san…(I’m sorry everybody…)

And it’s yet another end of the month, I wish you all happy Mooncake Festival and have a good month next month. Also, the layout has been changed as well to bring in a good chi to this blog and a whole new start of October. A new month, a new series of bloggings, and a new resolution is DOING the right thing! As well as LOOSE weight!!. Night all ^^!!

My part of the presentation was to be the last before the conclusion, wanting to try my best not to mess up in today’s presentation, I did my best to remember my part, especially after what happened yesterday, I blotched up on the last presentation and I wanted to do better so that I won’t be a disappointment to my members who tried their very best most or all the time.

But today, it seems I was the one disappointed and eventually discarded…everything was going well, or so I thought, I knew that they had more to talk about than me but an invisible hand was clutching at my heart as the time passed by with me not having even presented yet.

So I was patient, I waited. And when it did come to my turn, all my members were staring at me, silently telling me to rush the last part so that the last member can end the presentation with the conclusion…they even made a cue card you only see on television that goes “APPLAUSE” when they want their audience to fake some claps, apparently they forgot that I am blind when I am wearing contact lenses or perhaps they have genuinely forgotten it, or worse, they just wanted to just make me stumble over my lines and shut up. So I tried, I rushed like I never rushed before, and rushed and rushed…I barely got into 40% of my part before I have to skip everything towards the conclusion.

So I put on a brave smile and laughed it off when deep in my heart all I heard was, “…there goes my hope in getting a 4.0 this semester…” and I felt like crying. But I did not, I went back to my seat and smiled when others smiled, laughed when others laughed as well.

And finally, we were able to leave…and leave I did, I sprinted past my “friends” and their friends showing an outward impression that I was rushing to reach home. I hoped and I hoped that I wasn’t required to speak to anyone for if I did, I would lose all self-control.

It seems luck was not with me today, for I bumped into Kavitha at the entrance and she tried talking to me, all I did was looked away from her and plastered a smile on my face, I pity her for she thought I was angry at her for her “support” in the presentation. In truth, I was, but I wasn’t as well, silent for a moment, she asked if I was going home. I nodded a curt nod and said a steady “yea” while looking at my watch as time was moving an hour per minute and sprinted off before I burst into tears.

As I reached outside the gates of the university, I started to sob on and off, I sprinted and sobbed, stopping only when I see someone close enough to see my scrunched up face, somehow, my misery caused me to walk faster than I have ever walked before, the anger and anguish in me was fueling me to reach the sanctuary of my home.

By the time I reached the bottom of the tiny hill towards my house, I started to wear out, my energy depleted, but I forced myself to put one leg in front of another, wanting nothing more than to go home and spend the rest of my day in miserable loneliness when lo and behold, two out of three of the people I didn’t want to see at the moment, rode in the van belonging to a friend of theirs passed me by, as the driver called out my name with mirth in his voice, my anger and misery fueled itself and cause me to let out a huge sob and tears fell down the corner of my eyes again.

My legs, as if by itself, started to sprint again, the tiredness apparently gone from me, as I neared my house, I saw the van parked not far away from me, I wanted very much to go towards the van and slap the driver before going home. But restraint myself, I did. As I reached my house, my youngest brother, waiting for his school bus, looked at me with a worried look, my maid, watering the plants, glanced at me and started to say something but I just ignored them and let myself into the garden of my house, locking the gate, I felt the keys fall from my hands, as I hurriedly picked them up, my sobs became louder, so I gave a cough or two to disguise my tears and practically ran to my room.

In my room, I fell onto the top of my bed and just cried and cried and cried. My cat looked at me with a puzzled expression and a pitying look…and apparently, trying to dig out the contact lenses after you’ve cried a river of tears from your eyes, makes it harder to come out…exhausted from crying, I decided to write in here today about this. If any of you are reading this, forgo it. and what I said in the SMS, do NOT forgo that…I do not want to be responsible for any unthoughtful words that I might say or any actions that I might do…so for now, leave me alone.

Ahh, it seems, the dreams of ever going to study in Australia is nothing but a dream…why did I even bother dreaming in the first place? I know now that all that time spent on this dream was nothing but a waste of time, better left alone than try to reach it…

I sit here, in front of the computer, staring aimlessly at nothing in particular;

Nobody interesting is on MSN to entertain me;

Nobody in the blogging community to awaken my stimulating brain that has aparently gone into a slumber;

Nobody on my phone list that I wish to have any conversation with;

Nobody in my family free enough to take my challenge of the wits;

Nobody to interest me at all.

School is a bore;

Lecturers are a bore, they need to go back to school to learn how to make a better impression;

Tutors are a sore, one is gay, another is more casual than her students, one is illiterate in English, another tend to be too cheery and highpitched and the last is mad at us for not having our textbooks;

Classes are boring, I see students leaning their heads on their hands, hair covering their eyes in hopes that the lecturers don’t realize that they’re actually asleep, people blatantly ignoring the lecturers and talking and laughing with their fellow friends;

Breaks are a pain, half an hour break after every class, I understand, but one starts to wonder when we are faced with 3 to 4 hour-long breaks at one shot few days in a row;

Assignments are a pain in the neck, days are short and students tend to do last minute work, lecturers are a devil to even suggest we only have at most 25 pages when what we need are 35 pages;

Exams are a drag, tips are worthless for we would still need to read every single bloody thing;

University do not interest me at all.

My life revolves around the computer and University,

Both are nothing but a sore to my brain,

So what is there left for me,

But to go into a deep slumber,

Never to wake,

Never to see,

That life is a drag,

A drag that may never end…

My ex of three months has just broken up with his now-ex-girlfriend and his on the down low again.

We’ve also started talking again recently.

He asked me the rhetorical question on “If I were to move there, would you be my girlfriend again?”

I replied with a “I ono, maybe…”

He’s started to call me on my phone now.

Fond of him? I am.

Ready to plunge in? Not really.

Ready for a new relationship? Yes.

With him? Not really.

Want to be with someone you can touch and be face to face with? Yes.

Could that be him? No, since he is in the U.S.

So why are you pondering? Because I am fond of him.

As a friend? Yes.

As a ex-girlfriend? Yes.

As a potential girlfriend again? Not really.

Do you think you could really be in a relationship with him again? I don’t know.

What is your heart saying? That I shouldn’t be doing this and find someone closer to me.

Is that what you want? Yes.

Any potential victim? No.

Will there be one? Not yet.

When will there be one? Perhaps when theres someone who can look past the me on the outside and love the me on the inside…sick and twisted.

Well then, don’t you think you’ve already decided? Yes.

Then why are you even thinking about all these questions? I wonder that myself…perhaps deep down, I’m rooting for this brewing trouble.

All day, I listened to the chattering of my friends, of strangers around me, of excited students, of the bored and restless, of the stressed, of the sorrowful, of the lectures half-heartedly, not wanting to listen, yet it was expected of me…

A friend once told me that I should get some professional help to help me change my negativity but I brushed her off with a sweet smile that belies my unspoken words and feelings and continued on with my life listening half-heartedly to the world around me.

Emotionally speaking, I told myself not to lose it, not to give up, but about half of those times, I felt the strong irresistible urge to to just let it all out on someone, to free my soul of it’s burdens. And I almost did as such…ALMOST. As I was about to shower an unexpected someone with my woes and sorrows, she, at the same time, turned to another friend of ours unintentionally to talk to her while a third friend was too engrossed with answering the tutorial question to even look at me, causing me to wake up from my reverie and stop myself before I made a huge mistake.

And so, I kept my silence and told no one of what was in my churning, burning heart. The unspoken words stayed unspoken as it should be.

Sad to say, as their happy, cheery face laid their eyes upon my gloomy, moody face, their happiness dissipated momentarily…

As if this weren’t bad enough, I asked my mom to fetch me, she couldn’t thus asking my brother to fetch me, he couldn’t so I had to walk…before that, smiling friends all around me were walking in and out of the University foyer, merrily talking to each other as my melancholy face looked upon them, hoping to join in, wanting to, but couldn’t…

People who knew me, thought I was waiting for a ride, which I was until my brother had to take his friend home…after they left from my sight, I started walking…I didn’t want them to know I was walking instead of waiting for my ride…I just didn’t have the mood to stand and wait…

And walked I did, today, the tears wouldn’t come for I did not allow myself to think about anything other than trying to avoid getting killed on the road. Nothing was in my head today, nothing to remember on, nothing to see past…

As I reached home, my head, still empty, started monologuing with my weeping heart…

“How are you today thy heart of mine?”

“Sad…so very sad…”

“And why are you sad, dear heart?”

“Because I’m lonely…”

“Why are you lonely, poor heart?”

“Because…because…because…I don’t know…”

“It’s okay my poor sad heart…I understand…for I am as sad, lonely, confused, and lost as you…”

After having tasteless lunch, I went to the salon I usually go to to have my hair cut. And it’s now all bald-like…well…not really…it’s just short now…and that is the truth…and after appraising my new hairstyle, I came back home and am now posting this here post…

Anyone looking at me now would think of me as a ice queen, emotionless and heartless, nothing could be conveyed by just looking into my face…nothing…

I wish I could say the same for my weeping, broken heart…