Surrounded by people, yet lonely;

Hungry for more, yet satisfied for less;

Proud, yet small;

Modest, yet naked;

These are the gist of my emotions at this point of time with nothing in between but black white emotions. No more, no less.

My exams are coming up soon actually. And my mind is telling me to procrastinate and just go out! And so I am I’m gonna be at the PC Fair this Saturday just to look around with my friends as well as to buy a pair of speakers, headphones, and maybe even a webcam for my computer.

Basically, it’s all an excuse but who cares? I’ve been cooped up in my house for so long, I just need to get away. Another reason why I need to get away is because my parents have gotten a contractor to build an expansion for their newest car. So it has been about going 2 weeks now that the house is under constant noise pollution…

I just can’t stand the noise anymore. It’s getting on my nerves!!!!!!! KYAH!!!!! So that’s about it. Will be talking more about the PC Fair when I go lol. And not to mention my exams!!! It’s gonna be a heck of an exam Not only that, I’ll be celebrating New Year’s Eve in Hong Kong!! How exciting!!! I’ll touch more on that later when I have a minute or so

Ta!

What am I referring to, I wouldn’t know. But I’ve noticed that I’m thinking more maturely than I would like to think…strange isn’t it? I’ve heard people say that they’d want to be more mature but i seem to want the opposite.

Life seems much simpler as a child. But now I’m 20 and 21 isn’t that far off…I can practically feel the boulders on my shoulder pushing me into the ground. Forcing me to accept this reality. The harsh truth of life. That no one can ever stay as a child…

Weird isn’t it? As I say these words, I can feel 2008 just eagerly waiting in a corner. Planning to jump into my arms before I’m ready to accept it…

Trapped against a wall
Without any escape route to be seen
Darkness falls with yet another day passing by.

Another wasted day spent here
The soul’s becoming weaker
The fire of her heart slowly dying.

Shunned by her family and peers
Without a friendly face to aid her
She spend her days in the lonely corner.

Grasping desperately onto the edge of the cliff
She felt her fingers slipped and let go of hope
Falling deep into the never ending bottom never to be seen.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Sad to say, yes, I admit I’m lonely. Are you lonely? But under what circumstances will you be pressurized to feel the ultimate loneliness? I don’t know that either…sometimes I guess, loneliness will help one reflect upon what they have done so far in life.

Today is one of my loneliest days to date. All I can think about all day was that people don’t like me for my eccentric personality. They see me as a joke and a person to make fun of. I guess I’m not surprised that I’m thinking about these. Who hasn’t.

But surface to say, I should know better than to let it affect me at all! I’m a future psychologist and I should know better than to let my emotions rule me, says my mom to me. But aren’t I only human? Don’t I have at least some rights to act human for once? I guess not…

Well, I guess only you (the readers) and I will ever know my weakness but then again, you don’t really know me do you?

I don’t know why…but today, in the University computer lab…I suddenly burst into tears…and for no reason too! Weird isn’t it? Yeah, I thought it was weird too…

The funny thing is, I should have been bursting with happiness and joy and relief because I just finished re-transcribing the assignment’s transcripts last night until early this morning. What I meant was, I started doing it yesterday night…ALL night. Just because my assignment team wants me to pass it up yesterday afternoon. But of course, I didn’t la since I wasn’t done yet.

So yesterday, I intended to go home after class (6pm) to sleep but coincidentally, it was raining and to make it worse, I forgotten to bring my umbrella. So I called my mom to fetch me but she said she wasn’t home yet, after that I called my brother but he couldn’t fetch me as well because he was in the library down in old town :/ and my last resort, my dad, he was, not surprisingly, still at work as well. So what did I do? I walked home…alone…in the rain…drenched by the time I reached home.

When I reached home, I didn’t immediately bath but instead I went online to try and send the recording (assignment) to another team member. I had to search high and low for an uploading program that would upload the 2.4 MB recording and could be heard. After like 1 hour, I finally found it so I uploaded it and sent to my friend. With that done, I wanted SO BADLY to climb into bed. But again, I didn’t do what I wanted to do…instead, I stayed up to wait for my friend to finish her part of the transcript and send it back to me to check.

The transcript didn’t reach me until around 11.30pm and I STILL haven’t eaten or bath…and I started with the work. Chilled, bone tired, and hungry, I worked into the night and AT LAST! Finished at 6.30am today. I was SO BLOODY FUCKING HAPPY that I finished it ALL at last and went to bed still without bathing.

I know, “ewww” right? Definitely.

What was worse, on MSN, I had to read from my friend about ANOTHER friend’s emo story which I didn’t need. I broke when suddenly out of the blue, she told me that THAT friend ORDERED me to PRINT the assignment…FUCKING BITCH! I haven’t even finished and she’s ordering me about?! Who does she fucking think she is?! Just because she’s in an emotional break down because her fucking bastard of a BOYfriend (he’s not considered a MAN, his personality resembles a boy already bored with his new toy and moving on to a new toy) ignored her during his birthday party.

All I can say is “Wake the FUCKING up, GIRL!! You’re WAY better than he deserves!!! So stop being a fucking drama queen!!!”

So now, I’ve printed out the transcript, I then had that emotional break down…the thing is…it’s NOT a emotional thing. I just cried for no reason. So I had to run off and isolate myself to cry alone. Well…that’s all…I’m off now.

Why was I crying? I have no idea why, maybe you can tell me :s mungkinlah…dengan menangis, saya telahpun mengeluarkan nafsu-nafsu yang terpedam dalam did ku ini…sama jugalah dengan memblogkan emosi saya dalam blog ni hari ini.

Peace.

Anyway, I actually wanted to post about these cute wittle tykes that I drew the other day. It’s so totally cute and evil hahahaha but I’d need to wait for my dad to come back from Australia to do that. Why? Cause he is holding the camera hostage, that’s why!

So what else is new? Nothing really. Except that I have been babysitting my aunt’s wittle baby for like 2 days. I’m getting paid by the hour hahahaha. So let’s see…

RM10 x 48 hours =  RM480!!!

I’m stinking, filthy rich!! Now gotta just save that money. I’m hoping to still get the laptop I REALLY REALLY want!!! So yeah that’s about it. I know, boring isn’t it? Well too bad you read that boring narration then cause it IS about ME you know…this blog IS me!

Hmm let’s see now, this month was the month of hellish turds exams, had my finals and passed all of them, apparently, except for a D in Research (always hated that subject). But I’m glad that’s over with. Even had my hair cut to looking like erm…a Pomelo, or a Pomegranate, so insisted Bell. But I’ve got to say, it’s truly convenient to have short hair >_^V

About 9 days ago, my dad went off to Europe, going to Monte Carlo, Italy, Nice and so many other places while the whole family is left behind Can’t blame the poor guy really, he went there on business -sighs-. While he was there, we (the ones left behind) celebrated my brother’s 19th birthday on the 25th, this day also coincides with Joanne and Mark’s 1-month anniversary of “dating”. I can’t say that I’m enthusiastic about their being together, but hey, that isn’t my business if they get together or not, right? I’m just a bystander after all. I would love to elaborate more on this relationship, but I would refrain from doing so or risk the wrath of a woman-in-love.

So anyways, while my dad was working-enjoying life in Europe, we’ve been receiving many house calls in that 9 days from my dad’s shoe-shiners colleagues. And because Mooncake festival falls on this very month, we’ve been bombarded daily with boxes and boxes of Mooncake =x= needless to say, I absolutely can’t stand eating Mooncakes…they are somewhat thick and icky to my tastes. So what happens? The gifts have been piling itself in the kitchen, the side tables were brimming with Mooncakes, even my family is bored from eating them…however, I can’t really complain. Why not? Well, the thing is >_> these Mooncakes come in such beautiful packaging…so we, my mom, sis, and myself, had taken the responsibility of looting the boxes for ourselves and depositing the naked Mooncakes into the fridge.

So now, the fridge is packed and the side table is usable again. Imagine Chinese New Year, isn’t that the season for Cantonese oranges? You usually stack them up in the fridge no? Well, a whole box will fill up the fridge in my house. What I’m really trying to say is that, that box of oranges is equivalent to the horrifying amount of Mooncakes we got =x=|| the HORROR indeed!!

My dad actually came back today… -looks at the time- …yesterday evening. And what would you know, I have always wanted to say these at least once.

“My dad went to Europe, and all I got was these lousy shirts!”

And indeed, I got to say them today Yup, my dad came home bearing gifts…my sis got 2 baby T’s, and a spaghetti strap shirt.

Dad : “Go and try, see if it fits.” What if it doesn’t…?

-After a while…-

Sis : “Yay can wear! Thanks!”

Dad : “Nice, right?! Wear already so sexy ”

Me : “Hahahaha, you know, other people’s parents wouldn’t be saying that.”

Dad : “See, your papa so nice, buy sexy clothes for you all.” All or for Yen (sis)…?

Needless to say, I got the BIG sized shirts…well, I don’t really mind though, because of my body size, it’s truly hard for my parents to buy clothes for me when I’m not around to try it on. In fact, these clothes? They’re like pajamas to me. Not wanting to reject the clothes my dad bought for me, I accepted them, as usual. -Sigh- NEED TO GO ON EXTREME DIET SOON!!!

Other than those expensive clothes (they all cost more than 55 Euros…no, it’s not cheap, you have to convert them, meaning you have to multiply it by 5…) we all just chatted and laughed. I really missed my dad while he was in Europe, I just might have the Electra complex hahahaha Did I mention that it’s semester break now? Well it is ^^

One last thing before I go off, I’ve been searching for a part time job…weekends only though so that when semester break is over, I would still be able to work I need a job really bad why? Because lately, a few days ago actually, my comp started protesting and making really squeaky sounds as well as it sounded like it was about to have a meltdown and blow up in my face o_o!!! So yeah, “will work for a new computer!!” Anybody know of a weekend job, keep me posted yea? Keep in mind that it has to be in the Selangor region. Thanks!

Well then, that’s just about all that has been going on. And to everyone who were concerned about my own personal meltdowns here, here, here, and here. I’m not sorry for my emotional breakdown, but I AM sorry for worrying all of you. It was just a phase I was and had to go through to be able to be me again, or better yet, a better me. So, gomen nasai, miina-san…(I’m sorry everybody…)

And it’s yet another end of the month, I wish you all happy Mooncake Festival and have a good month next month. Also, the layout has been changed as well to bring in a good chi to this blog and a whole new start of October. A new month, a new series of bloggings, and a new resolution is DOING the right thing! As well as LOOSE weight!!. Night all ^^!!

Before

When : Before April 28th 2007

Why that style : Because it tend to cover up the sides of my face, making me look slightly thinner than I really was.

Did you like it : I did, because it looked like how actresses left their hair and I really wanted that kind of hair.

So why you had it cut : Because it became unruly and I didn’t want to tie my hair up anymore.

Then

When : From April 28th to July 19th

Why that style : It wasn’t because that I wanted to cut this style but because the stylist took the matter into her hands and MADE it that style =3=

Did you like it : Not at all. Who wants to have coconut hair for heaven’s sake x3x

So why you had it cut : Because I want to damn it!!

Afterwards

When : From July 19th to September 19th

Why that style : Because the hairstylist said that this style was the IN thing nowadays and I just blindly nodded. Not saying that I regret it though ^3^

Did you like it : Absolutely, because it’s not as puffy as the first and not as coconutty as the second. In fact, I would say that it was…perfect.

So why you had it cut : It obviously grew and became unruly and bushy!

Now

When : From Sept 19th to whenever I feel the need to cut again.

Why that style : The stylist who had my hair cut before this said that THIS was the new IN and AGAIN, I blindly nodded. It’s shorter now, and I look like a pomelo or anything big and round.

Did you like it : It’s okay, but I had hoped that it was like the previous style but this is okay too since it won’t get in my way.

So why you had it cut : I haven’t had it cut YET!! If I did, I’d be bald, damn it!!

It’s feels really sad when one day, you find that the friends you usually hang with have other people to hang with and you’re just left all alone, doing nothing all day long.

You suddenly realized that your social life revolves around these few friends and when they leave, you feel all alone and pitiful. Feeling sorry for yourself, you act like it doesn’t bother you at all but indeed, it’s killing you on the inside.

Your friends tend to ask you out but forgets to follow up. You ask them to go out but they promptly let you down or say that they have plans. Your friends then smiled at their upcoming outings together as if their in on a secret that you will never be in on.

When a friend asked you about ever feeling alone, you laugh and tend to shrug it off thinking that you should start breaking away from them, to keep emotionally detached to avoid feeling lonely.

So day by day, you smile and smile at what they say and do but inside, you’re slowly cutting yourself away. You tend to avoid them and not to see them so that it’s easier to cut off the friendship when the time comes.

And then reality strikes when you realized that you and those friends you cutting ties with are going to be stuck for another 2 years of long hard days that you find that it’s hard to run away. So you deal with it.

Day by day, you smile when they tell you about THEIR outings, who they were with and what they were doing and they ask you about yours and you smiled and said that you haven’t went out with others in a long time, only with your family and your friends becomes quiet for a while before going back to THEIR stories.

Somehow you don’t think that it’s really fair at all. You feel like slapping them in the face just to make them shut up. To make a point that YOU don’t want to hear THEIR stories and tell them to fuck off. But no, you continue to smile.

What would you do if this person was you? Would you do as I did? Or would you do absolutely the opposite?

To tell you the truth, I’m bushed, my mind is a blank, it’s nothing but a white canvas in my head. Nothing is in there, nothing but the echo of the voice in my mind.

The voice seems louder than usual when the mind has nothing to dwell on…perhaps it’s telling me to rest the mind, to not try to force it to come back, to take better care of it…

I’m sorry mind, I know that you’re overworked, especially now that the exams are coming soon, I’m sorry that I’m exhausting you and giving you pressure now that I’m aiming for a 4.0…

Rest mind, rest this day and awaken again with greater driving force. Rest…