Time spent sleeping : Every single night from 2am until 10am

Days of “could have studied” : 2 weeks (Studying is NOT scanning)

Feelings hours before the exam : Typical “what the hell is all this stuff that I’m spose to cram into my head?!”

Feelings half an hour before the exam : Typical “OMG! What IS Research Methods?! Nothing is going into my head T_T have to go Uni early and beg some info about it before the exam >x<!!”

Feelings during the exam : Typical “Erm…what’s independent group design again…? Ooo! Look at the pretty graphs…zzz”

Feelings during the last 10 minutes of the exam : Not-so-typical “I hope they lower the exam curve…” (Talking to other people at the entrance to the University…escaped from the exam hall about 45 minutes earlier…)

Feelings after the exam : Not-so-typical “Hello mommy? Can you fetch me now? Oh yeah, we need to buy more cat food, we’re out of supply. Thanks bye!”

The verdict : Currently digging her own grave with a broken and blunt fork. Resulting in two to nothing for Jess.

Time spent sleeping : Every single night from 2am until 10am

Days of “could have studied” : 2 weeks

Feelings hours before the exam : Typical “there’s still time, I’ll just browse through the net before I start!”

Feelings half an hour before the exam : Typical “Oh shit!! Nothing is going into my mind!! Shit!! I can’t remember ANYTHING!”

Feelings during the exam : Typical “What the hell is this about? I don’t remember reading any of these!”

Feelings during the last 10 minutes of the exam : Not-so-typical “Why is the clock going so slow!! Get me out of here!!”

Feelings after the exam : Not-so-typical “I wonder if my computer is all right…the thunder and lightning better not kill my never-been-switched-off computer!!”

The verdict : Personality smites Jess in today’s exam with one to nothing.

I sit here, in front of the computer, staring aimlessly at nothing in particular;

Nobody interesting is on MSN to entertain me;

Nobody in the blogging community to awaken my stimulating brain that has aparently gone into a slumber;

Nobody on my phone list that I wish to have any conversation with;

Nobody in my family free enough to take my challenge of the wits;

Nobody to interest me at all.

School is a bore;

Lecturers are a bore, they need to go back to school to learn how to make a better impression;

Tutors are a sore, one is gay, another is more casual than her students, one is illiterate in English, another tend to be too cheery and highpitched and the last is mad at us for not having our textbooks;

Classes are boring, I see students leaning their heads on their hands, hair covering their eyes in hopes that the lecturers don’t realize that they’re actually asleep, people blatantly ignoring the lecturers and talking and laughing with their fellow friends;

Breaks are a pain, half an hour break after every class, I understand, but one starts to wonder when we are faced with 3 to 4 hour-long breaks at one shot few days in a row;

Assignments are a pain in the neck, days are short and students tend to do last minute work, lecturers are a devil to even suggest we only have at most 25 pages when what we need are 35 pages;

Exams are a drag, tips are worthless for we would still need to read every single bloody thing;

University do not interest me at all.

My life revolves around the computer and University,

Both are nothing but a sore to my brain,

So what is there left for me,

But to go into a deep slumber,

Never to wake,

Never to see,

That life is a drag,

A drag that may never end…

Sad to say, as their happy, cheery face laid their eyes upon my gloomy, moody face, their happiness dissipated momentarily…

As if this weren’t bad enough, I asked my mom to fetch me, she couldn’t thus asking my brother to fetch me, he couldn’t so I had to walk…before that, smiling friends all around me were walking in and out of the University foyer, merrily talking to each other as my melancholy face looked upon them, hoping to join in, wanting to, but couldn’t…

People who knew me, thought I was waiting for a ride, which I was until my brother had to take his friend home…after they left from my sight, I started walking…I didn’t want them to know I was walking instead of waiting for my ride…I just didn’t have the mood to stand and wait…

And walked I did, today, the tears wouldn’t come for I did not allow myself to think about anything other than trying to avoid getting killed on the road. Nothing was in my head today, nothing to remember on, nothing to see past…

As I reached home, my head, still empty, started monologuing with my weeping heart…

“How are you today thy heart of mine?”

“Sad…so very sad…”

“And why are you sad, dear heart?”

“Because I’m lonely…”

“Why are you lonely, poor heart?”

“Because…because…because…I don’t know…”

“It’s okay my poor sad heart…I understand…for I am as sad, lonely, confused, and lost as you…”

After having tasteless lunch, I went to the salon I usually go to to have my hair cut. And it’s now all bald-like…well…not really…it’s just short now…and that is the truth…and after appraising my new hairstyle, I came back home and am now posting this here post…

Anyone looking at me now would think of me as a ice queen, emotionless and heartless, nothing could be conveyed by just looking into my face…nothing…

I wish I could say the same for my weeping, broken heart…

Note : This is not a literature but common rantings of my heart…

My previous rant : Pure Unadulterated Hate

As I sit here writing this article, my body is shaking in frustration, there is an itch inside of my body that I yearn to scratch…it’s truly unbearable…my head aches in pain, the voice inside screams to be freed, the voice screams and screams and screams…

“WHY IS THE WORLD SO FUCKING UNFAIR!!! WHY AM I THE ONE TO RECEIVE THIS “GIFT”?!?!?! WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN ALL THE OTHER FUCKED-UPS OUT THERE WHO HAVE SINNED AND SINNED OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!?! WHY ME?!?!?!“

Can life be anymore unfair? Why is the Lord taking my life into his hands? Why can’t he leave it up to me when I wanted to die? Why must he take the strings of time and shorten it? WHY?!?! Have I sinned, my Lord? Have I done something in my past life to have deserved such a punishment? Or do you have a personal grudge on me that needs to be scratched?

“WHY ARE YOU CONDEMNING ME INTO THIS FATE WHERE I HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THE KNIFE AND MEETING YOU, MY MAKER!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE MINDED YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LEFT MY LIFE UP TO ME!!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE CLOSED AN EYE AND WALK AWAY?!?! WHY ARE YOU PULLING ME AWAY FROM MY LOVED ONES AND THE WORLD?! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO COLD AND CRUEL?!?!“

They say that I’m not suppose to hate you, Lord. They said that it’s me whose at fault, I who didn’t want it to begin with, I who had no inkling of what is happening to me, I who am afraid of burdening my family, I who am not Your devotee…but why did You have to condemn me for being all those? Do You not have enough devotees to kill off to be Your minions? Why me? Am I not good enough to live for at least another 70 years on this earth You had created?

::::::::::::::::::::

“It’s very treatable. All you have to do is go for the surgery and get rid of it”

“How much would the surgery cost me, doctor?”

“…it’ll be a lot, that is for sure, but the most important thing to do here is get you to do the surgery and be treated for chemotherapy…”

“I’ll have to think about it, doctor…”

::::::::::::::::::::

Did You like to see my saddened face? My downfall in life as I blindly walk through life? My emotionless eyes look around me, I see everything yet I see nothing, nor could I hear nor speak…tears are coming to me as I thought back on my short lived years…20 years, Lord. That was all You wanted to give me, wasn’t it? Was this planned from the beginning? Since the day I was born, perhaps? If You had wanted me so much, why didn’t You just take me at birth? Why now? Now when MORE people will get hurt and mourn for my leaving?

You are truly cruel, Lord. Yet people see You as THEIR savior, THEIR Lord beyond the pearly gates of heaven…yet you tear love ones apart and leave them all in desolation…

But guess what, Lord. I shall not give in to this fate that You had created for me. I shall live my last days happy, my family shall know nothing of it and be clueless of the cruel crime You have committed till the very end, cutting short their pain and leaving all the burden of mourning to me until I give out my very last breath…

But needless to say, You have my pure unadulterated hate for the rest of my pitiful life, now and forever, I shall not forgive you and will never when I see the ashen-ed faces upon my loved ones when my time grows near. Till then, I shall let them believe nothing is wrong and everything is right in the world, Amen.

And now…again today I am here talking about the oblivion that I am falling into…this time however I fear nothing would ever be right…due to anger and thoughtless words, we are all at odds with each other.  I shall just rant here and if any of you are reading this, read it and live with the truth of it all!

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE BOTH OF YOU?!?!? Is this the way to be acting whenever life isn’t going the way it should be for you? You argue and then you use anger and aim it at each other? You use words that haven’t been thought out carefully with the intention to hurt each other…

Of the four of us, all of us are tired, stressed out and on the edge. The datelines are choking us and splitting us apart, the four of us that have been together since the beginning of our course here…remember that we talked about the four of us? Yea…now however, it’s beginning to look appealing to separate doesn’t it? Well, YOU’RE WRONG! I’m not pointing any fingers but believe me, this pains me as much as it hurts all of you to know that we have been verbally abusing each other before thinking on it carefully…

T, I know you think that we think that you aren’t doing anything to do your part. You are wrong to think like this…why? Think back my sad friend, think back. You have always done your part…you amongst all of us, is the one good at finding information. Wait, hear me out, without you, we would NEVER find out enough information for our tasks. Without you, we would NEVER be able to find any information WITHIN the information that you have found, don’t you see? We rely on you to tell us what theories we can use and where we can find the research or journal to back it up. Without you, we would not be creating A-grade assignments.

S, it’s apparent that you think that T isn’t doing her fair share of the work. but admit it, she IS. Just not the same way as YOU are contributing to the group. Each and everyone of of you in the group are doing your fair share but just differently. Why? Because all of you have your own abilities in doing stuff. You find that it’s hard to cope don’t you? You feel like quitting and just be released from this huge burden, don’t you? But don’t you see? We help each other out when we all need each other. T is in charge of finding the information and providing the knowledge from that information in the BEGINNING of the assignment. You on the other hand is in charge of the ENDING where you provide your abilities to the utmost care.

I know that both of you are stressing but is that a crime? No tough babes, it isn’t. Don’t start blaming each other before you have thought things through. talk to each other about it before jumping to conclusions. Nobody is guilty till the fat woman sings. And in this case, that’s me and I’m not gonna sing for this…

So relax, and chill, think of each other before you begin, think of what the other have to go through before you start piling blames…T did what she did because she is worried of the timeline as well as knowing that the lecturer was leaving soon and no way to stop her from leaving…this is true. So really, you can’t blame her for asking and asking. Think of it as her egging you on to do it faster. If she had never done that, would you say we would have ever handed it up in time?

J on the other hand, last to handle the assignment, is afraid that if we were to hand it up late, it would be her fault. She tries her best to hurry it up, however, T is asking her to hurry up but this causes J to fire up and get annoyed. But would you say it’s T’s fault for doing that? She isn’t at the base worrying with you, in fact, she isn’t capable of doing anything where she is at. The hopelessness of being far away is killing her.

Both of you AREN’T WRONG!!! So just CHILL and THINK before you TALK. Stop bottling up the frustration, just blurt it out! Conflicts begin with bottled up emotions. What would the other party know of what you’re thinking when you do not open that lips of yours and say something? They’re not a mind reader you know…

All in all…I think I am to be blamed the most as I realized I have never really did anything…Of all the four of us, I think that the three of you are capable enough to do the assignments without me…I feel like the needle poking at all of you. The big sack of potatoes that is clinging to your backs…the burden…I know it and you all know it…

It is at times like these that I wonder why I ever joined the course that we’re doing now…perhaps I should have just stayed home and blend into the couch

What I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t blame each other, tell each other what you want to say and embrace each other’s abilities and put it to full use. I don’t expect any of you to be reading this but hey, perhaps in a few years, when I’m dead, you’ll start to wonder what I wrote before I died and then you’ll probably visit and eventually stumble on this not very well versed post and smile

Just in case you don’t know, at the moment, you guys are the closest to me other than my family and I just can’t bear to see you three fighting with each other over an assignment…and to say that without you three, I would have long been 7 feet under by now…without the entertainment and laughter between the four of us, I would have been far in depression due to the stupid shit I have inside of me and would have killed myself…I hope you three know how much you mean to me to have had me written this much just so that you all would see things through…

Normally…slaves don’t get much…so be grateful

This also brings us to “Time”. It seems this semester wouldn’t be as hectic as it used to be last semester. No more staying in University till 6pm daily!! Yay!! No more Saturday classes!! Yay!! Also, the air-conditioning in the lecture hall is fixed!! Yay!! Three “Yays”, that’s a good sign, right? Right! Also, this only means ONE thing!! Subjects are going to be MUCH tougher this semester, assignments would be WAY nastier and my thesis topic needs to be thought of EARLY!!

“Way to go, Jess, second day into the semester and you’re freaking yourself out already.”

No uh!! I already done that after my final exams 3 weeks ago >_> but AAAAAAAAAANYWAYS!!!! It’s day 2 of my second semester today, and so far, I have walked to or fro from University THREE times. And it’s so TIRING walking up and down to go to University again…yes, I haven’t been walking much during my semester break >_> yes, I’m guilty of all charges ;_;

So now I have to get the hang of walking again. Fortunately, my brother is having school holidays!! Therefore, I am able to force accept his kind invitation of driving me to and from University whenever he could! This would be one of the times that I’m glad I’m the eldest and my word is law >D

So yea, so far I had to walk 3 out of 4 times these few days =3 and also, I met up with an old schoolmate in UTAR today!!! She used to be my brother’s classmate and my colleague when I was working in Jaya selling shoes. Apparently, she’ll be studying in UTAR under Public Relations! Hahahaha, she mentioned that she couldn’t even recognize me at all today lol. Don’t know if I should be flattered or not =/

Oh oh!!! Also, my lecturers, 2 of the 2 lecturers we have met, one is about to get married soon in July, and the other one is about to give birth, around August I think…know what this means? No? Well, this means that I have to expect replacement classes!!! Oh noooooooooooooooooooo!!! I hope they wouldn’t place it on Saturdays D: That’d be EVIL!!! Seeing as all of a sudden, we don’t have Saturday classes, I’m hoping it’d stay that way all semester round, wishful thinking that it is…

I took MORE pictures of the new kitty I have and it’s so CUTE!!! And TINY!!! And…CUUUUUUUUUTE!!! Hahahaha, I can’t help myself lol. I don’t have the pictures now cause it’s in my phone and I’m lazy to upload it today. Hot weather usually helps in this laziness of mine D: It’s been crazy lately, the weather I mean…I’m wearing a spaghetti strap shirt now and the fan is at it’s maximum (number 5) and I’m STILL sweating a river…are we doomed to MELT?!?!

Holy crap!!! Since the semester started, I haven’t been moody!! Surprise? So am I!! Must be the UBER BOREDOM!!!! I swear, boredom would be endangering mankind with my SUPER EMONESS!!! You can ask anyone who was in contact with me last break. I totally went berserk!! Like, talking about dying lmao!! Well, now that I’m getting back into the student mode, my emotions have calmed down a bit…though I’m sure that it’ll return when assignment due dates are nearing and we’re doing last minute job again…other than that, I’m still missing Alex…I heard from his friend, Alex (yes, the friend’s name is ALSO Alex. He’s my friend too =3), that he’ll be back on Friday!! Oh gosh…I hope he’s safe…

Regarding my holiday goals, it’s fucked and gone to hell…

• Have a minimum of 50 posts by end May => 26 posts so far counting this.
• Finish 10 assorted signature tutorials => Done.
• Clean up my room => Mission FAILED!
• Lose KGs => Lost some and gained some.
• Finish up some projects by Chrix => Done.
• Anger Management => Mission FAILED!
• Start to say “no” more often to people => Done.

Erm >_> lol!!! I guess I’m not that good with resolutions am I? D: Oh well ._.

Oh wait!! Something DID happen!! Apparently, when we were being seated, some few EXTRA students turned up and like, there wasn’t ENOUGH seats for EVERYONE!! But in the end, they accommodated the EXTRAS and then the examination continued and ended without another incident…what a BORING exam, HUH?! I so TOTALLY agree

It was an OHMUHGAH moment fer me cause I REALLY REALLY wanted to see it again!! And it was like FATE that no one has swept it away yet!!! So when I was walking home thinking that I would never ever see it again, I SAW it!!! I didn’t take a picture of it though cause my phone was out of battery what bad luck huh?

Anyways, that day, the frog look a little more toasted seeing as it hadn’t been raining here and it got cooked on the road like an uncooked egg would. It was all black now and barely recognizable if only by it’s color -sighs- Poor froggy…I bet if I were to show my dad the picture of the dead frog, he’d scold me D: why? Well, my dad has a phobia of all things froggy due to the fact that his brothers played a trick on him using a frog and he got sick

Anyway, after the exams, I started blogging again before I went to bed. I remember feeling UBER happy cause I got my blog back and all lol. And this is a fresh start cause I’m just recollecting my links back again and although it’s a long process, have the time and patience lol.

And now I’m off!! I got stuffs to do today and such, talk about it when I come back~!!!

On this very day, my exam is suppose to start at 2pm in the afternoon. And as usual, I got up late la don’t really know why I’m so sleepy nowadays, this is especially true when it comes to to my exams I bet my body just shuts down knowing I’m having exams D: BAD BODY!! OBEY I tell you, OBEY!!!!

I wished I was like Donald Trump, that way, when my body doesn’t obey, I could go “You’re FIRED!” And then I can walk away feeling like a million bucks richer. But I’m not and exams suck!!

So anyhow, again, I had to rush ALL OVER to go to the exam hall. But before that, I wanted to see the dead frog I saw the day before but due to time management, I didn’t cause I hopped onto a taxi to rush to University for my exam and it costs me like, RM2.70 to reach there. Meaning the WHOLE journey was RM0.70!!!! (This is due to the fact that we started out with RM2.00)

So, reach there liao, my mind, being as disobedient as my body, my mind HAD to go blank and make me panic LAST MINUTE about my exams!!! -.-” WHAT a reluctant body and mind!!! Giler sial!!

So like that la, I went into the University with a blank head and panicking and not to mention, my slaves friends haven’t seen my new hair yet so also felt anxious la at what their reaction to me will be and you know what? I wasn’t disappointed XD when I went there, I saw Joanne sitting at a corner of the foyer of the University. So I went up to her la, someone had to call her for me cause I couldn’t reach her.

When the person called her and pointed to me, she looked up at me a few seconds then look back at her notes again then after a second of realization, she looked back up at me SHOCKED!!! XD It was a moment to TREASURE, I tell you!!! When she got over her shock, she pointed me out to Li Rou who looked just as shocked!! Was so damn funny man!! And what killed the moment was, Joanne started saying “How come you look so cute wan today?” WEI!!! I am NOT cute WOKAY!! I’m EBIL!!! I’m NOT suppose to portray CUTE!!! I don’t DO cute!!!! >_<!!!!

So after the initial shock wearing off, we all start to head into the exam hall. Nothing particular there except for me panicking like hell cause I couldn’t remember a single thing so I crapped like hell. Geng right?!?! RIGHT!!! I just hope the results don’t come out like yat pek si (a piece of shit) like that !!! After the exam, time to go home la. I kinda rushed off without waiting for anyone due to my haste in catching up to the dead frog…>_> I know, I’m weird…

Walking towards the main road, JS caught up to me so I slowed down and we chatted, mostly about my hair, but yea, we chatted lol. She even offered me a ride home from University in her car which I said no to cause I WANTED to see the DEAD FROG!!!! And then I left her at her car and went on towards my goal of looking at the dead frog again. But NO!! I was stopped halfway when Li Rou came horning behind me with her car and told me to “Shang che (Get in the car)”. I pondered whether to walk or get tempted to be lazy and guess which I chose? To be lazy of course! Besides, it’s FREE!! Being a typical Malaysian that I am, I can’t let a SECOND chance roll by me, eh?

But the bad side to it was, I didn’t get to see the dead frog T-T I bet it got swept away and dumped somewhere in the world of dump!! D: -Sighs!!!- And as usual la, I reached home and slumped right into bed as soon as I stepped into my room…

So anyways, back to the exam day, the exam was to start at 9am sharp and I HAD to wake up as 7am to prepare if I didn’t want to be late. So I told my maid to wake me up at that time so that I would be able to wake up in time for the exam if something were to happen to my hand phone cum alarm clock. But the next day, apparently my maid forgot about having to wake me up until I was out the door of my house. But no, I didn’t get up at 7am in the morning. At that time I was still very much asleep lol and only woke up around 8.15am.

So rush I did. I woke up, did my business, bath, brushed teeth, combed my overly short hair, packed my stationaries, filled up my water bottle, made sure I had my exam slip and my ID with me and THEN I was out the door sprinting towards my University. Going there was the easy part actually because my house is on a hill so going downhill towards University was easy. And I arrived there JUST in the nick of time.

And when I went into the exam hall to take the exam, unsure of where a REPEAT student like should be sitting, I asked the invigilator as to where am I, a REPEAT student, suppose to sit. She looked at me blankly and told me to sit anywhere. And when I told her again that I was a REPEAT student, bleh, lemme just make this into a conversation format so you can better comprehend the situation.

Me : “Hi, I’m repeating this subject…where am I suppose to sit?”

Invigilator #1 : “Sit anywhere.”

Me : -Pauses- “I thought repeat students have a specific place they have to sit in?”

Invigilator #1 : -Looks fed up- “What course are you in?”

Me : “Psychology”

Invigilator #1 : -Gestures to the left hand side of the exam hall- “Then sit anywhere at this side of the room.” -Moves away and ignores me-

Me : -Looks confused and quirks an eyebrow- “Oooookay?” -Takes a seat at table 13-

Half hour into the exam, lo and behold, another invigilator came up to me and “REQUESTED” that I moved to the CORRECT place that I’m supposed to sit in.

Invigilator #2 : “Are you repeating this exam?”

Me : “Yea.”

Invigilator #2 : “Then you’re not suppose to sit here. You’re suppose to be at seat 115.”

Me : “But that lady over there…” -Points- “…told me I can sit anywhere.”

Invigilator #2 : -Looks puzzled- “Well, you can’t. Move your things and follow me.”

Me : -Gives the eyebrow- “Erm ooookay…” -Moves-

Talk about clueless invigilators -rolls eyes- and then, the worst thing about seat 115 is that some girl apparently have BAD body odor!!! Why did I say a “girl“? Well, cause everyone surrounding me were GIRLS!!! And the stench of the armpit odor is OVERWHELMING!!! OMG!! I couldn’t even concentrate on what I wrote thanks to the stench. I bet she has either NO FRIENDS or people were too polite to tell it to her face. If it were me, I’d have piled upon her fragrant deodorants for her birthdays I know, I’m bad and I suck, LIVE WITH IT!!

And then, the exams were over…the invigilators then starts collecting answer sheets and passing it to the current head invigilator for this exam and tallied the amount. This whole process took about half an hour to be done with. And then we were allowed to leave. Relieved, I went to my bag outside the hall, stuffed my stationaries and question paper inside and dashed home.

On the way home, I saw a dead frog lying on the road. “Fascinating!!!” I thought and stopped to stare at the glorious sight of death. The frog was lying on it’s back, you can see it’s insides showing like someone cut it open and decided not to continue with the process…it’s a well preserved dead frog if I may say so myself. Non of it’s guts were spewed all over the road and it was by the side of the junction so it wasn’t and couldn’t be squashed by passing cars.

Dead frog found on my way back

A close up of the dead frog on the road. Gross isn’t it? Yet so well done…

However, while admiring the beauty of death, a bunch of girls, gossiping, came walking by, and due to their ignorance, 2 out of four of them trampled onto the dead frog and didn’t even bother looking down!! I wonder at the thickness of the soles of their shoes…one was even wearing heels o.o” truly, I am totally amazed as to how they were unable to feel it being squashed under their feet!!!

But before they even trampled on it, they were looking at me weirdly like I was a freak of nature. I can’t really blame them, who goes around admiring dead frogs and taking pictures of it, hmm? Why, me of course and besides, death is a natural thing, if there was no death, the Earth would have fell off the solar system due to massive overweight now, wouldn’t it? Besides, I’m EMBRACING death for it’s better to EMBRACE it than to SHUN it.

After taking pictures and admiring enough, I walked up the hill back to my house and just dived into bed to sleep…ahhh~ heaven~ and THAT, was how I ended my first day of exams. More on my exams to come soon~